


Breakthrough

by LittlePanduh



Category: PRISTIN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 20:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16070804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlePanduh/pseuds/LittlePanduh
Summary: x-posted on AFF--When a breakthrough comes out instead of a breakup.-In which Jieqiong confesses her insecurities about her their relationship to Nayoung and they work through it.





	1. Things I'll Never Say

Jieqiong’s PoV:

I thought once I was in a relationship, things would be easier.

I wanted to enjoy the honeymoon stage that every talks about: celebrating month-a-versaries, constantly talking to each other on the phone, supporting each other, going on late night excursions just because.

I wanted to spend every waking moment with the person I loved until we became sick of seeing each other's face. I dreamed of texting every day, getting meals together, movie nights on the weekends, stargazing at night and studying together.

I wanted to try new things, even if it's out of my comfort zone. I wanted to be completely carefree around this special someone and tell each other secrets that no one else knows. I wanted this person to tease me when I do something dumb. I wanted us to be comfortable around each other.

Is this… too much?

Now that I think about it, it seems like a lot…

But can’t we experience this over a period of time? Can’t we do things one step at a time? I’d be happy if we did just one of these things.

 

Sigh.

 

We started off having a “low-key”, almost secret relationship. I was okay with it at first because I didn't want everyone to know all at once, but there's one day I just want to shout out to the world that you're mine and I'm yours.

 

I'll be honest with you. (Yes you. The one looking at the screen?) I haven't been in an ideal relationship before. Maybe everything I've just listed sound like it comes from an unrealistic Korean drama or fanfiction. When I moved from China to study in Korea, I had attempted to maintain a long-distance relationship with a boy back home. Difficult was an understatement. Texts became less frequent. He never visited. I never visited. Video calls were rare.

Things dwindled down. It was nice how it lasted, but it honestly lasted too long. Maybe a year into the relationship we finally decided to officially end things even though I had lost any sort of feelings for him many months ago. I was sadder over the fact that I felt nothing than the fact that we had broken up.

Maybe that ruined my perception of men, but once I entered my first year of university, I had met one of the most amazing women I had ever met. She was majoring in literature and minoring in applied music. She was a third year while I was a lowly freshman. Due to the education program I attended in China, I was a year younger than most of my peers. I guess because she chose her minor later, we had the same Theory II class together, which is how all of this started. When I first met her, she had come off as an unusually cold person, showing no emotion for anything. Bombed the first quiz, straight face. The teacher announces 9 pages of homework, straight face. Pop quiz, straight face. Aced the term project, straight face.

She was a fairly good leader. For our term project, we worked in a group to analyze a classical piece and attempted to rearrange to another style. We never decided on a group leader, but she was very organized and took initiative to give tasks to each person and everyone just followed along because no one ever has the guts to take the leadership position. I think the other members seemed slightly intimidated, which caused tension in the group, but we ended up getting the highest grade out of all the groups so we knew if was all worth it. After it ended, she simply congratulated us for our hard work, but never really talked to us after.

Still.

Something about her intrigued me.

Im Nayoung.

And there was a part of me that wished that project wasn't the last time we'd be with each other.

The next quarter, we both had the final section of the music theory series together. When I entered the classroom, I looked for any of my fellow Music Major friends, but surprisingly saw Nayoung. No one was sitting next to her. I took this as the sign from the gods that we were supposed to meet like this.

We had lunch together after our class every day and that's when I realized that I had started developing feelings for Im Nayoung.

Fast forward to the end of the quarter and she had asked me if I had considered liking girls. The rest is history.

 

Come next school year, but nothing seemed different. We have been dating for more than 5 months. The furthest physical display of affection was a goodbye hug. We haven't even kissed or held hands! I know that sounds elementary and neither of us really know how to properly date, but isn't this slightly weird? There were no ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight texts’. We’ve never been to each other’s apartments nor have we properly introduced each other to our friends. Nayoung never greeted me on anniversaries. I always felt like I was the one to initiate dates.

Everything just seems…

Off… and almost…

 

Wrong.

It's this deep feeling in my stomach that convinces me that I'm not happy and maybe Nayoung isn't happy. It's this aching feeling in my heart that tells me, despite waiting a year to see Nayoung's heart through a confession, we just weren't meant to be. It's my clenched fists that are shaking because I don't want to think about it, but it feels inevitable.

Should we just break up?

Maybe Nayoung feels the same? She doesn’t say anything about it. She never says anything about... anything but I know she notices the awkward tension between us when neither of talk when we take the bus home together or when there’s a silence during lunch conversations.

You should just talk to her. One of my roommates, Eunwoo, once told me.

I know. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but I can’t help but feel hopeless in this situation.

She’s a junior. She’s got a lot of projects. She’s taking harder classes. I know. I’m trying to be understanding of that.

But I struggle too.

I used to think once I had a significant other, I could run to that person when I failed an audition or finished a bad midterm, but with Nayoung, I just couldn’t do that.

And that just feels wrong. Not even as lovers, but even as friends.

Just talk to her. You can’t always jump to conclusions. Eunwoo will repeat once she’s tired of my complaining. I feel bad for being a whiny teenager, but can you blame me? Can you blame someone who feels like she’s working for a one-sided relationship? I can’t help but feel frustrated when I have a girlfriend who’s not possessive in any sense and is completely passive about everything?

Talk to Nayoung?

I really should.

Why is this so hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~  
> I decided to post this fic here as well since I wanted to cater to a broader audience. I've been going through a lot of life changes lately, but I'm writing up again! Please anticipate new chapters!


	2. Things I Do (and Do Not) Say

The couple walks home after a long day of university life.   
  
It's rather pitiful. They don't look anything like a couple, but I can promise you that they are.  
  
Jieqiong starts the conversation as always. “How's your day been?”   
  
Nayoung ponders shortly. “It's a Monday.” She shrugs. The weight of her backpack moving had caused her to lose a bit of balance. They both chuckle, but Jieqiong is still uncomfortable with the small talk. “How's yours?” Nayoung nonchalantly continues the conversation, pretending her backpack shuffle didn't happen.  
  
Jieqiong internally scrambled for words. She contemplates her telling her talking about her whole day or saying “same.” She disappointedly settled for the latter.   
  
  
Five months.   
  
Yet she still debates whether to give a full answer or not.    
  
For five months, it's been just like this.  
  
For five months, most of the conversations are dry. They're choppy. They're awkward.   
  
  
You're supposed to enjoy the moments you have with your significant other, especially when both of you are busy.  
  
Jieqiong started _hating_ them.  
  
Jieqiong is the type of person to talk for days; she's just shy in front of Nayoung since her girlfriend is more… reserved. She won't admit it (yet), but she waits for the day she and Nayoung would maybe cuddle or even sit close to each other and talk until she loses her voice.  
  
The Chinese scholar slightly caves in and gives a short anecdote of the class she just came out of. She skips a lot of details, worried Nayoung would get bored. She feels like a broken record player, hesitating to say a certain detail and tripping over her words because she has to move back and forth around her story.   
  
Nonetheless, Nayoung makes sincere eye contact with her every once in a while as she speaks, but Jieqiong still gets nervous looking into Nayoung’s eyes.   
  
There's a small giggle after Jieqiong tells her story. She's disappointed in the small reaction, but she reminds herself that she's basically dating the university’s “Stone Buddha” and her small gestures are expected.   
  
Though there's still a part of her that wishes she could break that image of Nayoung, maybe… just for her?  
  
  
_No. She’s probably tired. It's the end of the day._ _  
__  
__I mean. I am, too. I'm trying…_ _  
__  
__Aiyah._ _  
__  
__Don't be selfish._ _  
_  
  
“How’s registration going for you?” Jieqiong asked her girlfriend after her small spiel. She knew if she didn’t keep the conversation going, they would just walk in silence.    
  
“Uh,” Nayoung pondered for a while. “I'm taking 16 units. Three of them are labs though, so I might be dying all quarter. I’m only taking one music class.”  
  
Nayoung’s words sunk in. Despite being official, it seemed as if they spent less time than when they were in their “some” stages. Jieqiong tried not to care as much since she knew Nayoung was busy and her major was impacted, but she was hoping it was just something that happened this quarter. Next quarter, they were going to spend even less time? _I stepped down dance coordinator to spend more time with you…_ _  
__  
__Jieqiong stop. She's a student before anything._ _  
__  
__But gah. Is it wrong to feel this way?_ _  
_  
“Jieqiong.” Nayoung’s gentle voice pierced her thoughts.  
  
The owner of the name slightly jumped. “Yeah?”  
  
Nayoung had stopped walking. “Are you okay? You just completely zoned out and you look really stressed out.”   
  
Jieqiong was half relieved and half self-conscious that Nayoung noticed her.   
  
She slightly bowed, internally hating how formal it came out. “Sorry. I'm fine.”   
  
Stone Nayoung doesn't change her expression, but her giving eyes show concern as she simply stared at Jieqiong who wouldn't maintain eye contact with her. “If you have something to say. You can say it.”  
  
Jieqiong bites her lip. She's on the verge of spilling everything, but her concern of burdening Nayoung held her back.   
  
_  
__I've been thinking about breaking up._ _  
_ _  
_ _I mean… do you even like me anymore?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Because you don't show it._  
  
  
“Jieqiong,” Nayoung calls her name again. Jieqiong finally looks into her eyes. Nayoung can't read what's on her mind, but she started feeling nervous.   
  
They're in front of Nayoung’s apartment complex which is a shortcut to Jieqiong’s apartment. _A few more feet and I can escape this._ _  
__  
__Or I could leave now and take the long way home._ _  
_  
  
“Are you going to open the door?” Jieqiong ignores Nayoung’s apparent concern.   
  
Nayoung is unsure what was going on with Jieqiong. Despite knowing each other for a year, she hadn't seen this side of her before.   
  
Thinking it would be best to just do whatever she wanted, she passively unlocked the door to her building. Jieqiong was relieved that Nayoung did as she was told, but in the back of her mind, she wished Nayoung would push her against the wall (or something dramatic like that) and force her to tell her what was on her mind.   
  
There was no way in hell Nayoung would ever do that… but it was interesting thinking about it.   
  
They quietly walk up the stairs. Nayoung is constantly thinking of ways to open up the conversation, but her head is too tired, thinking of equations, arpeggios, and due dates. She habitually opens the door to her floor.   
  
Jieqiong mumbles what's sounds like a thank you and walks down the hallway, not waiting for Nayoung to walk next to her like they usually do.  
  
  
With the walk to the exit of the building, Nayoung once again fails to bring up the conversation.   
  
Jieqiong reaches the door. She knows Nayoung notices her silent treatment, so she turns around and smiles. She’s preparing the lie she’s about to say.  
  
  
“Can you tell me what's on your mind?” Nayoung interjects before a word can come out of Jieqiong's mouth.  
  
  
It's not exactly what Jieqiong wants to hear, but it's comforting knowing that Nayoung finally took the first step. Her fake smile goes away. Nayoung overwhelmingly braces herself for the worst.   
  
  
She decides whether to lie and say she's tired and wants to go home or just spew out the words ‘I've been thinking of breaking up.’   
  
_Just talk to her,_ Eunwoo’s words echo through her mind.   
  
“I mean,” Jieqiong looks at Nayoung who is scratching her head and looking down. She looked pitiful, but she was trying. “If you’re not comfortable talking it’s fine, but…” her voice was low and you could sense a hint of nervousness. Jieqiong feels a rush of mixed guilt and happiness. She felt bad that Nayoung was struggling to grasp for words, but when was she ever going to see this kind of affection from her again?  
  
 _Maybe she does care._  
  
“I’m sorry if this comes of sudden and serious,” Jieqiong remembers the first time they had a serious conversation about them dating and it ended really awkwardly, “but I’ve been thinking about this for a while.”  
  
_If you’re going to break up, why not go all out?_ _  
___  
Nayoung looks at Jieqiong, but this time, Jieqiong is the one crossing her arms and staring at the floor.  
  
Jieqiong pouts and looks Nayoung in the eyes. Her heart races, thinking about what she’s going to carry out. “Are you... happy?”  
  
  
Nayoung knew exactly what Jieqiong was thinking about, but was too embarrassed to say it out loud. “What do you mean?” She passively responds. Typical Stone Buddha.  
  
Jieqiong sighs in disappointment. She dislikes how this is dragging out. “Are you happy,” she pauses, wondering how far she should go, “with us?”


	3. Things I Do Not (and Do) Say

I first fell in love when I was in high school. Well, that's what I believed.

 

It was your typical first love: the extreme honeymoon stage, the unnecessary PDA, the thought of being in love despite dating for only 3 months. It starts off like this and like usual, it ebbs away to a more “mature relationship”.

 

He wasn't my ideal type at first. He didn't look like an actor. He didn't sing like an idol. He was smart. He liked me. We got along well together. I thought that was enough.

 

We learned to grow on each other. I thought I hated how loud he laughed, but soon enough, all I wanted to hear was his loud laughter. I was worried my parents wouldn't approve of him because he ate sloppily, but I started to prefer his casual doings rather than his mannerisms.

 

We were really open to each other. He walked me to my classes. We went on dates every other day after school. We studied together. We held hands and openly confessed our love for one another in public.

 

I told him what I thought was my everything: my future goals, what I thought about my family, my dream, my insecurities.

 

I thought I loved him. I thought I would never find someone else like him. I thought he was the one.

 

In the beginning of our last year in high school, we decided to end things. We had been dating for over a year and a half.

 

It was (probably) inevitable. Both of us were planning to separate when we attended different universities to study different things: he wanted to be a businessman and I wanted to study literature. We also had to prepare ourselves for high school exit and college entry exams. With this, we would've been too busy to spend time together and it was logical to end things here.

 

Saying I was devastated would be an understatement. With him, I was so happy. Like any couple, we had our ups and our downs. It was weird not seeing something that was once considered a constant in my life. No more studying in the library together every day. No more someone walking me to classes. No one to talk to until 3AM.

 

I loved him.

 

I told him that.

 

And I meant it.

 

That was the worst part.

 

Honestly, I asked myself what went wrong. I was starting to think maybe we could work things out. We had loved each other. We had taken a break before. Why couldn't we try long distance? Why did we break up way before graduation or the summer before university? Was I extra baggage? Did the year and a half mean nothing to him? _Was it supposed to mean nothing?_ Did he just disregard everything we went through _together_ because of school? I know it sounds selfish, but is this fair?

 

I don't know how many days I cried for and how many times I clicked his contact, tempted to call him. One day, I just totally lost myself dignity and called him a handful of times. I left voicemails and texts, asking him to take me back. I still cringe thinking about how desperate I sounded, how much I gave and was still giving to him. That was how much I had loved him.

 

I invested my heart and soul into this boy and although there were a lot of good memories, I regret a part of it. Now, I can't afford to give so much of myself again and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel as giving and sacrificing as I was, only to hurt themselves sometime in the long run. It's not right.

 

“After the flower path is a bottomless pit.” Minkyung, my high school best friend, told me as I cried in her arms.

 

I hated thinking about that. I hated thinking our relationship was as beautiful as a flower path. I hated thinking our relationship turned into a bottomless pit as if there was no way out.

 

\--

 

Towards the end of my first year in college, a hallmate had confessed to me that he liked me. At the time, I thought I was over my first boyfriend. I thought I liked this boy, too. I said yes when he asked me out.

 

Our relationship was casual, not in a sexual way though. We had dates every now and then. Sometimes he'd buy me flowers or surprise me with bubble tea when I was studying. He was an engineering student, which made me feel better because if this worked out, I could prove to myself that I could date someone who was studious. I wasn't extra baggage or whatever. We wouldn't be distracting each other. We could get through university together and not break up despite our different career choices.

 

There was a lot to like about this guy. He was very well-built, despite the nerdy engineer stereotype. He was obviously very smart, but wasn’t afraid to ask about things he wasn’t sure about. He was a gentleman and graceful, even in his faults. He was almost too… perfect. I couldn’t tell whether to take this was a green light because I was so hurt in the past and he was a sign to move on or if this was a red light because I never believed a man in this earth would exist.

 

I guess with this relationship, I was scared. I was scared to say yes all the time. I was scared to open myself to him. I was scared to give my all.

 

My friends told me to stop “playing hard to get”. Was that what I really was?

 

He would ask me out on dates and I would get really excited. In the beginning I would say yes most of the time, but I was worried he was going to start assuming I would agree to everything he'd ask me to do. I mean, I did do that in my last relationship. With my first boyfriend, I went to his basketball games even though I didn't like sports. I hung out with his friends even though they were slightly obnoxious.

 

In this relationship, I said no. I said no when I was uncomfortable. I said no when I was busy. I said no when I knew I needed time for myself.

 

Then I started saying no without any logical reasoning. I said no because I had agreed to many things before that. I said no because I was scared of doing things that would advance our relationship, like meeting family or going to fancy club banquets. I said no, just to say no.

 

Come the middle of summer, when he asked to meet up (multiple times may I add). Every single time he asked, I denied, explaining that I was working and taking a summer class or spending time with friends and family.

 

All the no’s piled up and we broke up. It was my fault and I feel guilty about it. I wonder if this is how my first ex felt. This second boyfriend gave his all. I felt it. I received it. I appreciated it. I just didn’t give as much as he gave. I wanted to, but I just... couldn’t.

 

Of course I had lots of regrets, maybe even more regrets than my first relationship. With no surprise, I wasn't as attached, which, consciously, felt just as bad as being too attached. I felt like I had wasted his time and effort. I was a horrible girlfriend. I was too scared to prioritize someone again and it took a toll on our relationship.

  


To this day, I hate how open and vulnerable I was to my first boyfriend. It makes me feel stupid. Even after three years into university, I'm scared of feeling that way again.

 

I hate how closed off I was with my second boyfriend. It makes me feel regretful. It makes me feel like I’m wasting the time and feelings that I feel like is depleting from my system. It was nothing like my first relationship, but it wasn’t something I wanted to experience again.

 

Now, I'm not sure what to feel.

 

\--

 

You’d think after two traumatic experiences, I wouldn’t date again, but there’s just someone who couldn’t stop me from falling into the dangerous trap once again.

 

As of current, I'm dating this charming, beautiful, talented, and easygoing girl. Her name is Zhou Jieqiong, but her Korean name is Joo Kyulkyung.

 

I never thought I'd end up liking a girl, but she caught my attention on a day when I was rather vulnerable.

 

Around the first quarter of my second year, my older brother had gotten a girl pregnant. My parents and the girl’s parents _highly_ suggested a marriage. The cost of a decent marriage and preparing for a baby kicked in a dent for my parents budget. Our situation was so bad that they had told me they couldn't afford to pay for my tuition for the upcoming quarter and if I wanted to continue my education without taking a break, I would have to find my own ways and means to pay it off for the time being.  

 

I'm not the type of person to ask for help, whether it was monetarily or emotionally. I know it is not smart nor healthy, but I felt it was safe. After my first breakup and drifting away from my high school best friends, I didn't like expressing my problems to just anyone. I didn't even make any close university friends that I could trust to support me in this time of need.

 

I remember feeling like I was dying inside. My brain felt like it was being mushed around and my body felt heavy. The only thoughts that occupied my mind were the stress and anxiety of solving my problem. I couldn't even think about studying. I loathed the idea of me studying so hard, only to end with dropping out because I couldn't afford to pursue my education. I scrambled looking for jobs and applying for scholarships.

 

There was one day I ate at the university union. At the canteen, everything is made to order and then you pay at the end.

 

I had already received my food, fallen in line, and reached the cashier, only to find out that I forgot to put cash in my wallet. I panicked. I asked the cashier person to hold my spot in line while I ran to an ATM? I emptied my wallet looking for loose change.

 

It didn't take longer than probably two minutes for a girl to come up and swipe her card. I remember looking up from my worn wallet in disbelief.

 

“I'll pay for everything,” she coolly said with a smile.

 

She was obviously an international student. She looked nothing like a Korean. It wasn't a bad thing though. She was very unique. Her beauty was rather… breathtaking.

 

Before I could admire her any longer, she picked up her food and turned to me. “Let's go.”

 

Unsure of what was happening, I followed her out of the line. In my state of desperation, I knocked some sense into me. This stranger just paid for my meal. I now owe her. “Can you please tell me your name and bank number? I'll pay you back. Or do you mind coming with me to the ATM. I just need to get a little cash.”

 

She stopped and turned to me. Her hair flipped to the side and I was wondering why I was captivated by the small details of this girl. She smiled and looked at me, but I felt self-conscious of her innocent gaze. “My name is Jieqiong, but call me by my Korean name, Kyulkyung. Don't worry about paying me back. You're doing me a favor because I have a lot of meal plan credits. You should've gotten a drink with that,” she chuckles something melodious. “Enjoy your meal.” She winks before turning around and leaving.

 

This time, I stayed in my spot. When she was out of sight, I had let out a breath of air I didn't know I was holding in. My cheeks became hot. I had no idea what was going on.

 

She probably doesn't remember this, but it's forever ingrained in my head. It was the first time in a while that I was so vulnerable in front of so many people. She swooped in and saved me from humility, with no questions asked.

 

\--

 

The following quarter, I had taken Music Theory II for a general education course. I skipped out of the Music Theory I class because I tested out of it, but I was considering to pursue a minor, so I took this class. I wasn't intimidated by the idea of taking the class with music majors since I was pretty well versed on the subject.

 

It was a good thing I wasn't intimidated, but I also shouldn't have been so distracted.

 

It wasn't until week two that I recognized the girl who had saved me from starvation. On that particular day, she was sitting in front of me. She wasn’t consistently sitting in front of me, so she never caught my eye until that day. I remember feeling particularly down because I had been declined another job offer and I was starting to feel like I wasn't going to be able to finish the school year.

 

A stack of papers appears on my desk. Coming back to the horrible reality I was in, I looked up from the giver of the paper. I only got to see a glimpse of her profile, but her small chin and non-Korean features were imprinted in my mind.

 

“Oh. I'm sorry.” I whispered to her.

 

She tilts her head toward me. “It's okay.” Her voice was familiar. My gut feeling about her was strong.

 

I stayed behind in class to see her go. A classmate called her out and she turned around. Kyulkyung, the unique name stuck with me. Luckily, I was also able to see that charming smile and her exotic eyes again.

 

I wanted to see them more.

 

As class settled in and the roster was finalized, she sat in front of me the entire quarter. It was embarrassing initially. I had actually bombed my first quiz considering how distracted I was from life and from… her. The teacher always passed back quizzes and tests face down, but the striking red marks bled through. After Kyulkyung, she announced my name in a rather solemn tone. Without turning over the paper, I saw I received a single digit score. The quiz was out of twenty. Kyulkyung had faced the side because she was talking her friend, but I saw that her head was down. She knew I received a bad score.

 

I had to prove to her that that wasn't who I was. Suddenly, that look on her face motivated me to pick myself and study again.

 

After that occurrence, it was as if my life slowly turned back. I became passionate in studying again because I didn't want Kyulkyung to think I was stupid. I received a part-time job when an interviewer told me I looked better than I was when I first applied and liked my calm aura.

 

It was because of her. I wanted to be better.

 

\--

 

I tried to impress her. And for what reason? Because I liked her.

 

At first, I tried to push back the idea of romantically being with her, but there wasn't any other logical reasoning as to why I was acting this way. She wasn't a friend I received strength from. She wasn't some music department representative that everyone looked up to.

It was constantly seeing the back of her head everyday and wanting to see her cute face. It was the smiling, but secretive, look of approval when I received perfect scores on quizzes. It was her weird, melodious giggle when her friends made jokes. It was her long limbs when she stood up. It was her bobbing head halfway through class because I'm sure this simple theory is something not new to her as well.

 

I didn't intentionally sit behind her all the time. We sat like that for the first few weeks and it just stuck.

 

Well, okay. I also made sure to be early to class so I could claim my spot.

 

I guess it helped me in the long run since we had a group project. The thought of groupwork initially panicked me because I had zero friends in this class, not to mention that there were barely any people in the same year as me. The teacher just grouped us with the people we were around. Lo and behold, Kyulkyung was in my group. We spent a lot of time together, at the library, at the coffee shop, at the music rooms. Sure, it wasn't just me and Kyulkyung, but **it was something.** After the group project, we didn't really speak much sadly, but I took it as a sign.

 

I also took our perfect score as a sign. I applied for the music minor and was gladly accepted.

 

We took Music Theory III together. She'll never know this, but I actually asked the teacher to put me in the class with music majors because I knew she'd be in the class and I wanted to be with her again.

 

Things were just like last quarter, except she sat by me instead of in front of me.

 

Things were just like last quarter, except we started eating lunch together.

 

Things were just like last quarter, except I lost my internal fight and accepted the fact that I was helplessly falling in love with the Chinese transfer student, Zhou Jieqiong.

 

Oh yeah. And things were just like last quarter, except she tells me to call her Jieqiong instead of Kyulkyung. She says she likes it when I say her Chinese name. I know I butcher it, so I practice saying it in my head when I walk to class. I know. It sounds dumb, but if it makes her smile, if it makes her happy, that's enough for me.

 

\--

 

“Would you consider liking a girl?” I put my hands in my pocket and look everywhere except her.

 

“Hmm,” she ponders, “depends on the girl.” I think she knew where this was going. She was either playing it safe or playing coy or being naive.

 

“What about a girl like me?” I finally found the guts to ask her out.

 

We stared at each other for an excruciatingly long time. I both wanted and did not want an answer. It was already too much for me to ask the question. I didn’t know how to react, whether she said yes or no.

 

“I like you, too.” She smiled.

 

\--

 

After my first boyfriend, I truly believed that at the end of a flower path, there was only a bottomless pit.

 

It took me nearly three years, but Zhou Jieqiong proved that wrong.

 

I thought after two failed relationships, I wouldn’t be deserving to be in another one.

 

Zhou Jieqiong proved this wrong.

 

I thought after my first boyfriend, I would never be as happy as I had been with him.

 

It was just Day One and Zhou Jieqiong proved me wrong.

 

\--

 

I knew timing wasn't on our hands, but it never was, so I thought if we could make it through my hectic summer schedule, we were really meant to be.

 

Jieqiong said she was going back to China for a month of summer vacation. I took on 3 jobs to each more money.

 

I felt bad because she usually texted first. I did try to make an effort to reply to her as much as possible. There would be times that I couldn’t even read her texts until over four hours later. I’m not really supposed to have my phone on me when I’m working and I tried reducing my parents power bill by not charging my phone as much so I would turn off my phone. It was hard when I was working 50+ hours a week. There were times she hadn't said anything so I would text first, but it felt as if it was too late.

 

This communication thing is something I’m not great at, especially with texting. In my first relationship, I was always the first one to text. I had a bad feeling about it. I can’t explain it, but a part of me told me not to be… constantly chasing him. I kept telling myself that, but I barely thought twice before tapping the send button. At first, he would quickly respond, but as time passed by, all I started seeing was the receipt saying the message was read. Things were different from my second boyfriend. Like I said, I guess I was “playing hard to get” which turned for the worst. I saw his texts. I texted him first every once in a while. The more that I tried to “control myself” and hold back, the less interested I became.

 

Sigh. I just really don’t know.

 

Jieqiong is different. I know that. She’s nothing like the other two, but I just don’t know what to do so I don’t mess things up.

 

Should I text her? But we were just talking yesterday and there’s nothing new to saw at the moment. Should I just ask how her day is? Is she okay with small talk? Should I text her good morning or good night? Would she even reply if I sent it three hours ago while she was sleeping? Even if she did reply, would it be okay for me to reply eight hours later after work? Would she be upset over that? Would she like it? Would she just end up hating how complicated my life was turning out to be and want to break up with that?

 

Should I text her? Most likely yes.

 

Did I text her? For the most part… no.

 

I swear to you that I didn't forget about her. Quite honestly, I thought about her everyday. The first thought in the morning is that I'm one day closer to seeing her again. I go to the coffee shop, trying to improve my craft so that one day she can come in and I can make a drink for her for free. (I hope she would be impressed!) I worked at my parents restaurant so I could learn how to cook in case she wanted to eat at my apartment. I even tutored high schoolers in English and literature, just so I could learn to be approachable and be more comfortable around people.

 

I'm tired honestly. When I get home, I barely had any energy to wash up or even eat.

 

I wonder why I keep doing this instead of resting or making friends, but I think back to that day where Jieqiong saved me from starvation and suddenly my energy comes back.

 

I've been waiting to contact Jieqiong all summer, but I never know when is a good time. I'm only available late at night or very early in the morning. China and Korea only have an hour difference of time change. I didn't want to bother her at freaking three in the morning. Also, although it's a lame excuse, I didn't want to wake her up in the middle of the night by some message I wasn't confident in sending.

 

Even when she came back to Korea, things were slightly complicated. Her parents had visited for two weeks, so I was off limits since our relationship wasn’t exactly commendable. After that, I was barely free from all the work. She would ask me last minute if I was free and I sadly had to deny. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have a choice. I told her to tell me a day in advance when we should meet up and that I would excuse myself from work, but she never gave me a day. After two weeks of nothing, I tried to take things into my own hands and surprise her, only to find out that she went on a camping trip with some friends for a few days.

 

We successfully met once, but it was awkward, to say the least. “How was your summer?” “Did you do anything fun?” “That’s exciting.”

 

“I missed you,” I accidentally blurt out. Her face was blank except for a hint of pink on her cheeks. I didn’t think I was going to regret saying it, but I did after she looked away. Did she not miss me back? Was I not supposed to say that?

 

There was an awkward silence. I think she was going to say something, but the waiter with the check dissipated the tension. I let it go, it was really random and abrupt anyways. Timing was not really a concept I understood and maybe just needed to improve on that.

 

It was a shaky date. They happen. I wasn’t going to let it drag me down.

 

There were two weeks left of summer vacation. I told her to let me know a good day, but the message never came. As much as I didn’t want to, I let it go. We both needed to prepare for school to start again. I knew she had an audition to prepare for. I had to start packing my things again.

 

Days were long. Times were tough, but I knew at the end of this, I would be able to see Jieqiong again. I could walk her home every day and cook meals for her. With the three jobs I worked, I could pay for at least two quarters, but my brother was going to get married, so the financial struggle wasn’t going to last much longer. Everything was just going to be...better.

 

Soon enough, what I thought felt like the longest summer finally ended and I entered my senior year at university.

 

I didn’t see Jieqiong as often as I hoped, but I felt like it was something that turned out to be that way.

 

I had way too many labs to attend and I was going to be assigned my senior project.

 

Jieqiong had late classes, I managed to stay at the library until her classes ended so I could walk her home. I felt bad because I had a hard time looking for words to say. Nothing in my life was interesting, I lived a rather repetitive lifestyle.

 

I decided to go with small talk. I was starting to hate it, honestly, but I wanted to hear her talk, and although it’s a concept I struggle with, communication goes both ways. “How is your day?” “The weather is weird today?” “Anything exciting happen in class today?” I didn’t like how after Day 4, our conversations were becoming repetitive, too, but it was better than nothing.

 

At least for me, it was.

 

\--

 

“Good night,” I type out in the text. She’s usually asleep right now, maybe I should say ‘good morning’? Maybe I should just send a good morning text in the actual morning?

 

I sigh heavily again.

 

“Why don’t you just click the damn Send button?” My roommate, Chungha, surprises me. She knows about my relationship with Jieqiong, but I never confided her about my… insecurities.

 

I shrug and bow my head down. I didn’t like being reprimanded by a younger friend, especially with love problems.

 

She smiles, more bitterly than sweetly. “You know, if you just went with your gut, I’d probably be jealous of Kyulkyung,” she sits next to me, “but since you continue to cower away, I can’t help but think that she’s wasting her time with you.”

 

Chungha stared into my eyes. I could tell it was a sign for me to just spill something out, but I fought the urge. Chungha’s tone put me off, making me question if I was really wasting Jieqiong’s time. I didn’t like thinking I was wasting her time like my first boyfriend wasted mine and like I wasted my second boyfriend’s time. I try to not think about comparing my relationships, but I couldn’t help it when Chungha worded her sentence in that way.

 

“Make a move before someone else swoops her up,” Chungha, visibly disappointed, stands up, and steps away.

 

It’s 2AM when I’m staring at my phone, the same message in the text box.

 

It’s 11AM when I wake up, only to disappoint myself of not sending the text.

 

\--

 

It’s a Saturday and somehow we’re studying in my room. I don’t like the idea of people intruding my sacred haven, but I make an exception for Jieqiong. A few hours into our study session, I hear the soft snores coming from my girlfriend.

 

I put down my pencil and settles my chin on my hand. I can’t help but admire her. How can someone be so adorable while sleeping?

 

After five minutes of watching Jieqiong peacefully sleep, I realize how creepy this may look. Somehow, it doesn’t stop me from staring. It’s crazy, but I’m only like this for Jieqiong.

 

“I can’t imagine my life without you.” I whisper. I’m shocked by my own words, but I don’t take it back. I mean it. It’s scary how genuine I feel, but at least Jieqiong won’t know about it when she wakes up.

 

\--

 

I thought I had gained courage after finally saying something to the sleeping Jieqiong, but I still couldn’t repeat the action to the awake Jieqiong.

 

I don't know why I was so scared to saw simple words like, "you look pretty today" or "want to go out and eat?" or "can I shove you against a wall and kiss you?"  
  
Okay, on a serious note, I just don't know why I can't express myself to her. I feel like I want this relationship to be more serious than my first boyfriend. I want to learn from my second relationship and just make things right and act genuinely. How am I supposed to do either of that when I'm scared to hold or hand or ask her on a date?

 

I guess I’m still scared. I’m scared she’s going to reject my feelings, just like she did when I confessed that I missed her. I’m scared these feelings will mean nothing in the end. I’m scared I will say something that will put her off and want her to break up with me.

 

“Hey Jieqiong,” I had read this music pick-up line and I was going to use it on her. When we took Music Theory II, her friends used to say corny, music pick-up lines and puns, ending in her melodious giggle. I wanted to try this one out on her.

 

She turns around and gives me look. She looks tired. She looks like she just wants to get this walk over with so she can get home and sleep.

 

“How were your classes today? Mina told me about the project for your composition class.” I mentally smack my head. Small talk again.

 

She sighs, before replying. I know she starting to hate the small talk as well. I wonder if saying that pick-up line would’ve given her the slightest smile. I guess it’s too late now.

 

Maybe she heard it already. Maybe saying it would’ve put off the mood. Maybe she’d be confused about my change of character.

 

Maybe she hadn’t heard it. Maybe she would’ve laughed. Maybe she’d just go with it.

 

I guess it’s too late now.

 

\--

 

It’s been a long day for me. I’ve  been working on writing a piece of contemporary fiction, part of my senior project. For nearly six hours today, I had slaved away to my senior project and only managed to write down four pages. I’m scared for how much more rigorous it’s going to be towards the end. I’m scared I’m not working enough. I’m scared I can’t think of new content. I’m scared this writer’s block will delay my graduation.

 

Jieqiong and I are walking home together, but I’m unintentionally not mentally with us. Jieqiong sighs. It’s enough to catch my attention, but I guess I was too sluggish to respond in any way.

 

“How’s your day been?” Jieqiong starts the conversation as always.


	4. Things I've Been Wanting to Say

Nayoung’s PoV:

Jieqiongie sighs in disappointment. That was a wrong move. I should’ve been forward with my answer. I always do this. “Are you happy,” she pauses, I know what her next words are going to be, but I’m feeling anxious “with us?”

I bite my lip.

To be honest, I just want to scream the words.

Of course.

Do you know how long it took for me to gain the courage to ask you out?

Granted it took Eunwoo to ask me if I liked you…

Granted it took Valentine’s Day to give me an excuse…

Do you know how my heart flutters every time you hug me? And that I wish we did that more often?

Do you know how many words I’ve written in the message box of the text message to you that have been left unsent?

Do you know that you’re honestly the reason why I’m failing my bio class because I think of you constantly?

Do you know how I was constantly battling myself not to date a girl in Korea?

Do you know how much I didn’t want to be attracted to you because I just need to focus on school?

 

  
I guess you don’t.

I guess you don’t know anything about these things.

But that’s kinda because I don’t tell you these things…

What the fuck.

Im Nayoung, what are you doing.

  
“I’m sorry.” I blurt out.

  
I look straight at her and notice tears forming in her eyes. Did I say the wrong thing again? Damn, I don't deserve to date someone like Jieqiong.

  
Wait.

Nayoung, you fucking pabo.

  
What you just said must’ve come off in the wrong way.

Your girlfriend just asked you if you were happy with our relationship and instead of saying “yes” like you wanted to, you come out with “sorry”.

What kind of dumbass makes that kind of mistake?

Oh, wait. Me.

Why do I always mess up in front of Jieqiong?

We've been dating for 5 months for crying out loud!

Wait. I have to do something or she's going to think I'm going to break up with her.

  
I step forward. She appears cautious, so maybe I should back off?

  
No. I need to stop hesitating.

  
I advance slowly. Her head dropping as I close in.

I pull her in for a hug and that’s when I hear a gasp and feel something wet hit my shoulders.

You really outdid yourself, Nayoung.

I can’t believe I just made her cry.

“Zhou Jieqiong,” I try my best to have a Chinese accent. I remember her trying to teach me the Chinese alphabet once. She also told me how much she liked it when I said her Chinese name. “You make me so happy.” I finally let it out.

“I don't know how to express myself,” I pause, desperately looking for words, “and I'm really sorry about that.” The fact that Jieqiong wasn't doing anything except crying lowered my self-confidence, but I needed to gather all my strength in order to make things right. “That's no excuse.” More words, Nayoung, for Jieqiong. “I'm going to try harder to prove myself to you.” My voice started shaking by the time I finished this sentence. I cursed myself for being such a coward.

I feel her arms on my lower back, pulling me in. The close contact made me warm and I was embarrassed by how my cheeks were burning, but I knew I had to be there for Jieqiong, it's the least I can do.

She doesn’t respond and it worries me, but I tell myself that she's still here. And while she's still here, I need to clean up the mess I've been carrying around.

“Jieqiong-ah,” I start again. I started finding words again. “I like you.” I could feel Jieqiong’s smile tickling my neck. “I like you. I like you. I like you.”

Jieqiong pulls away, startling me. She is genuinely smiling, her cheeks a little red. We lock eyes, but my eyes can’t help but waver around. “I like you,” I try to confidently say while looking into Jieqiong’s eyes. I just said it four times, but this time seemed the most difficult. “I like you… and it's scary, but I like you… a lot.”

A tear finally escaped my eye; I was so pent up with… emotion? Passion? I don’t know. I just wanted to make it right. Thankfully, Jieqiong wiped it away. Her hand stayed by my face and I felt the warmth of my face radiating to her cold hands. I was slightly self-conscious, but I appreciated the physical support (May I add that it just felt right that her hand was on my cheek? Too corny? Okay, carrying on.)

I grabbed Jieqiong’s hand. “Please don't leave.” My voice pathetically trembles almost to a whisper. I could see Jieqiong's heart break through her pitying eyes. “I want to make things right. I need to prove to you how much you mean to me.”

Jieqiong beams; there’s a sense of pride in her eyes. “I won't.” I can’t help but smile at the simple phrase. “I'm here.”

As if a weight was taken off my chest, I felt relieved, but exhausted from pouring out all my emotions. I couldn't find anything else to say even though there were probably a lot of things running through my mind.

“I'm sorry for making you cry,” I left out apathetically.

Jieqiong giggles and drops her hands. The warm sensation is gone, but I’m still hypnotized by her gaze. “I'm sorry I made you cry.”

I looked down, embarrassed, and shook my head. “Ani. Ani. Ani.” [Jieqiong took note that Nayoung cutely repeated phrases when she was emotional.] “I made myself cry. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough for you.”

Honestly, I had a hard time believing everything happening in front of me is true. I forced myself to just take in everything, worried a moment like this won't happen again.

“Thank you,” Jieqiong speaks up. “I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I'm glad things are cleared up.” She caresses my cheek one last time. “I hope next time we talk, we're not crying.” We both chuckle.

Jieqiong’s phone rings. It was probably a text from Eunwoo asking where she was.

“I guess I shouldn't keep you waiting. It's been a long day.” I speak up, causing Jieqiong to back away and check her phone.

There was a part of me that didn't want Jieqiong to go, but I knew that it wouldn't be right for either of us to keep her up. “Yeah. Eunwoo is getting worried.”

I stand square in front of Jieqiong. Jieqiong hesitated to step back. I raise my eyes at her conscious move but realize that being this close isn’t common. She politely offered a smile, almost like an apology.

I bring my hands up. The end goal was to caress Jieqiong’s face, but the approach was awkward and both of us felt the tension.

Chickening out, I ended up putting both my hands on Jieqiong’s shoulders. Jieqiong tried not to laugh, letting out a small smirk on the corner of her lips.

Before Jieqiong could react any further, I grabbed the side of Jieqiong’s head with my right hand and pulled Jieqiong’s neck down with my left hand. I stood on my tip toes whilst closing my eyes and finally placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

Jieqiong froze and this time I felt her cheeks burn ever more. Her face was red as a tomato, but I tried not to make her feel self conscious about it.

I slowly retreat, locking eyes with Jieqiong. I felt like a fool, but at least I was a happy and in-love fool.

It was clumsy. It was awkward. It was charming. It held meaning.

It was from Nayoung. The one that’s been hiding this entire time.

“See you later then.” I abruptly turn back to the where my apartment was. I bite my lip and internally smack my head for repeating the farewell.

I shut the door without looking back, knowing that whether or not I saw Jieqiongie or not, I would selfdepricate myself.

Feeling the tightness in my chest again, I let out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding in. I lean against the door and slide down. My heart races, thinking of what the hell just happened and what is going to happen.

I close my eyes and try to calm myself down.

“EEeeeEEEeeeh~!”

Typically, I ignore outside noises, but this time… I can’t help but think…

Was that…?

Suddenly, the door behind me swings away and I undignifying land on two lumps.

“What the--?” Sejeong, my roommate, jumps in surprise. “Nayoung! What are you doing on the floor?”

Sejeong helps me up, almost tripping in the process considering my head was on her feet. I was uncharacteristically weak and she had to pull me up with my arms.

She strangely looks at me. I squint back at her. Her eyes widen as if she just figured something out. “Oh my gosh, Nayoung!” She then pulls me in for a hug and comfortably rubs my back.

I appreciate the support, but I was starting to think Sejeong wasn’t supporting me at all. It felt more like she was consoling me.

Before I could ask, Sejeong speaks out again. “I’m so sorry Kyulkyung broke up with you.”

Without even thinking, I push Sejeong away. “What on earth made you think the two of us broke up?”

Sejeong raises her eyebrow. “Well, your eyes are puffy like you just cried and I just saw Jieqiong squealing and doing her stupid waddle run as if she was really happy about something. I figured she finally just broke up with you.”

There was a lot to comprehend with what Sejeong just said, but my mind was honestly thinking of one thing: Jieqiong’s high pitch squeal whilst skipping around the apartment complex.

It wasn’t too hard to imagine. I heard it.

I sigh contently. “That’s my girlfriend.”

Now Sejeong takes a step back. However, I couldn’t care less. I decide to retreat to my room, where I can carelessly and dangerously think about Jieqiong.

“Wait a second, is this really Im Nayoung?”

Yes. This is Im Nayoung. This is the real Im Nayoung.

I’ve been wanting to show this side of me, but I worry that you wouldn’t like it.

I’m glad I finally got to show it and I hope you appreciate it.

I like you. I like you a lot, Zhou Jieqiong.


End file.
